Mindless Ramblings of the Queer Kind

Did you ever really want me?

I hate I have to ask

But I’m sitting replaying

Every moment of our past.

And every thing I see

When I look from there to here

Is every little thing I was afraid of

That you told me not to fear

I know I wasn’t perfect

I know I had my flaws

I didn’t know how to stop giving

When to give myself a pause

And gods how I want to blame myself

To say it’s all on me

But how is it even fair

That you should get to hurt me for free

While I gave you took and took

Without a single thought

Of how it was I needed to be loved

How you hurt me when we fought

It’s just the way I am you’d cry

As you told me I want too much

And so I worked to change myself

To handle you with a lighter touch

Every inch of myself I gave up for you

You’d take an extra mile

And then you’d continue to use me up

To drain me with a smile

I’d beg and plead, please hear me

As you broke my heart

And in return I got defensiveness

My whole world picked apart

Were you ever actually sorry

For the marks your boots left on me

As you walked across my breaking back

The dirt I choked on silencing my pleas

“I’m doing my best, I’m never enough”

Your words they play on loop

While you barely touch bare minimum

And I jump through every hoop

I wish I could say I miss you

That it all was worth the while

And though I can admit

That there were times you made me smile

You hollowed me out for years

And built a home inside the husk

Somehow still finding the anger

Over my not having trust

Suppose I should say I wish you well

and that I hope your life is kind

But I can’t help but hear the voice

That whispers in my mind

I hope you don’t find another love

Until you love your self

Because no deserves to feel

Like they’re forgotten on a shelf

Partners are not a trinkets

Not trophies that you had

Because it’s easier to have someone

Than to admit that you are sad

Until you learn to heal yourself

And rewrite your response to old pain

You’ll just continue on the same path

Over and over and over again

As some who has done the work

In part thanks to meeting you

The road is quite uncomfortable

Until you learn to choose

Learn to choose to love yourself

And open up your heart

Or every chance at happiness

Turns into a false start

I’m sorry I tried to fix it all

That I enabled this downhill climb

I wasn’t helping anyone

By only prolonging time

I have learned to love within my means

Without the well going dry

I found people who love me

And see my worth

People who want to try

So I hope you learn to heal yourself

I hope you grow and change

And some day I hope I hear your name

And it doesn’t fill me with rage.

I’m sure that I’ll forgive you

As my heart finds a new song

But rest assured I’ll never forget

How you did me wrong