Mindless Ramblings of the Queer Kind

I have so much anxiety inside of my body. It feels like it’s pushing against the seams, trying to burst out and I don’t know how to let it escape. Every moment is something else; and the worst part is I’m doing it to myself. It doesn’t matter if my ex thinks I am a bad person. I did what was best for me, and did my best (honestly probably too much) to ensure their comfort. Yes, I messed up a bit along the way and let some of the interactions we have get me angry and I did some not so kind things. I did my best afterwards, however, to apologize and own my shit. I cannot address problems that are not brought to me and I do not have to appease everyone’s demands to be a good person. I can’t fix everyone’s problems for them. Even if I see someone I love struggling with things that directly reflect my own experience, I cannot fix things for them, I cannot save them from a life experience. I have to let other people go through their own life and only give what they want, not what I think they need. I’m not going to heal that hurt inside of me by saving someone who didn’t ask to be saved, I have to look inside myself to do that.

I don’t have plans for self harm. I enjoy my life. Everything is just so heavy right now. I’m just so tired. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m a failure. So tired of feeling guilty. So tired of feeling selfish for trying to find happiness. I feel like I’m a crack in everyone’s lives and they try to bring me in and integrate me, tell me that damage is character and charming, and all I do is crack things more. Make them feel the pain of my damage, the loss of what I should be giving them when I’m not there. I am letting everyone down in some way, even if it is a small way.

It’s all so fucking loud in my head.

I’m not supporting my family enough. It doesn’t matter if I was the main one taking care of everyone for years, they need me and I’m not doing enough, not there enough.

I didn’t give my ex enough grace and time. So what if I felt frustrated and alone in the long run. They showed up in the end and I shut them down because I thought my hurt and loneliness were more important. I went out and found other things and that was shitty of me. I’m not exactly sure what they meant by I made sure they didn’t love me anymore, I don’t think I really care that they don’t love me, but I care that there is something out there that I did that I’m not holding myself accountable for. I am upset I didnt notice I was doing hurtful things and I feel like I should suffer more for that.

T. I feel like I’m royally fucking things up with them. I keep trying to do what I think is the right thing and it is always wrong. I wanna crawl up in a hole and disappear every time I have to be told that it’s not the right thing. I try so hard to do the right things and there’s something so broken that I have to be talked to like a child who has done something wrong by everyone I love. I just want to do right by you. I brought so much drama into your life and watching it hurt you makes me want to cry. You don’t deserve this because of me. I’m so sorry.

J- you make so much space for me and all you ask is for me to stop fussing and let you speak for yourself. I don’t know how to turn off that worry. It’s fucking everything up in every aspect of my life right now. I don’t want to be like this. I want to just relax and enjoy the safe calm space you are offering me. I’m sorry I keep causing you frustration and confusion. That I can’t handle being told I did something wrong without breaking down and crying. I want to deserve the love my partners offer me. I don’t know if I ever will, and I’m so scared that people, that you, are gonna realize that I’m not worth all this trouble, that you can have a love that is calm and healed.

I’m scared I’m manipulative. That I make people fall in love with me. Like maybe I’ve just figured out the formula and I bring all these amazing innocent people into my life and suck the light out of them. Like an emotional vampire. Just take and take and never give enough back to make up for the things I take. And I am always gonna have this empty anxious feeling inside of me because there is something wrong with how I put myself together. I’m all the worst most manipulative lego parts put into the mock good person.

This was supposed to make me feel better. I think if anything I’m more tired now. I don’t want to work, I don’t want to do anything but go back to bed, maybe cry. I know in the grand scheme of things that there are people out there going through things that are so much more than me. This whole thing gives poor little privileged white girl. My problems are so small in this big world and there are things that deserve this space more than I do. Maybe I’ll get my act together eventually.