Mindless Ramblings of the Queer Kind

I sit here once again in the safety of my self hatred, the walls around me a painful reminder of what is familiar. I have never been one who was easily able to relinquish control. The if I don’t do it who will mindset almost like a person mantra. If I am not in control of the world around me than how can I ever be sure if someone really approves of ‘me’. How can I be sure that everyone does not see the same horrible disgusting failure of a person the voice in my head tells me that I am.

Be perfect and no one will think that you are a bad person. Be thin and beautiful and people won’t watch all the mistakes that you do. I don’t know that any of that is actually true. I remember feeling like I had to be perfect very distinctly starting in the 7th grade. The worries that my mother unwittingly spoon fed me every day coursing through me and manifesting into physical illness. You wanna know the sick twisted part? Part of me is sad that now my vice is food rather than throwing up every morning, because at least then I was thin. Funny that thing that I fixate on now, I had once upon a time and never made me happy. Crazy that I see other beautiful body’s or struggling people and tell myself it’s okay they are wonderful and beautiful while it is psychically painful for me to give myself that kind of grace.

I don’t know that any chance will ever be enough. If life was an etch a sketch and I could shake it clean, I am not sure if I would be more likely to never change out of fear that this beautiful piece of happiness I have found would never come back to me because I don’t deserve it or if I would just never make any progress out of that need to be perfect.

Awareness is truly a curse sometimes. Some days, I wish that I could be literally anyone else…or even not here at all. And seriously that is fucked. I am not perfect by any means, but I am not the worst person in the world. I have made at least a small piece of difference in the world. So why do I feel that failure means that I don’t belong here.

“Give yourself grace.” ” Practice radical acceptance.” Could I just get that shit piped directly into my brain? I think that is why hypnosis has always appealed to me so much. Why would I not want someone to be able to turn me into a better more desirable version of myself?

This is just a bunch of rambling at this point, but I am hoping that maybe getting it out of my head instead of playing it over and over again as my own person soundtrack will help in someway.

I just want to feel like I am enough. I want to hear someone tell me that I am what they want and feel like it is true. I want to feel like a good person. I want to feel like I deserve to live and enjoy these things that make me happy.